i’m feeling very detached from myself right now.
is this real life?
we’re no empire, we’re just a bunch of flawed, selfish people. and that’s not our weakness, that’s our strength. the one thing we can count on at any given moment is that the six of us are paying for a mistake made by one of us. and that means at any given moment, one of us is screwing up so badly that he or she is going to forgive whoever screws up next….now i’m gonna do something that octavian never would, i’m gonna say that whoever untied the professor, i don’t give a crap. because whoever it was, i know that it was some flawed, selfish, weak, hopeless soul like me. —
jeff winger (community)
(zing! community’s got something to say that you can apply to fellowship…)
kill me, kill me.
it’s almost reminiscent of college.
i’m sitting here waiting for my hair to dry, because for the last few days it’s proven unruly and flippant. i’m sitting straight-back on the floor because i know that if i sit on my couch or my bed, i will want to lie horizontal and drift to sleep, but if i do that, my hair will iron into its disobedient shape, and i’m trying to avoid that.
so i’m sitting here thinking of you and what words to express to you. the carpet’s poking against my skin and the rain is trickling outside, and i understand your anxiety and worries. it all presses in like an overture of senses, overwhelming and threatening.
i am sad, though. some days i am angry, but most days it’s grief. i loved and lost. though i’m redeemed, i still sometimes feel as though i’ve failed. fearing failure freezes. and i am frozen into uncertainty of where to tread next.
i hope you find your way out of frozenness, though. and remember responsibility. it is a waste for us to lazily dream, to idle, lounge, and loaf. the weight of darkness is heavy, but the cross is heavier yet. i can’t carry yours, because i know he has already made it light for you. i’ll watch and wait, and wonder at forgiveness, from here.
it’s hard to call what i’m doing a series when i’m not writing consistently. i’ve begun to think that i need to assign myself essays or prompts to write because my verbal expression is declining.
anyways, i’ve been thinking about hope, and how one particular individual on my heart and on my mind must find it, grasp it, and subject to it. this person abounds in love and faith — to care deeply and to know jesus are important, and not qualities that are easy to come by.
but ah, i suppose hope isn’t easy to come by either, not when all around you seems to be crumbling, and dark, and the worst outcome always evident….when brokenness abounds. falling into the lie that, to expect less it to receive more… i choose this too often, too, and my old self would utilize sarcasm to combat my deep disappointment with those around me, and, ultimately, my own inadequacy as well.
i rejoice that hope isn’t optimism, though. it’s not betting on uncertainty. it’s…knowing what is to come. it’s not the current state, but it will be here. though those around you may fail you. and fail often. and perhaps are not now the person you see that they have the potential to be. on the other side of death, there is a world to behold, and those who were not who they were meant to be a menial number of times on earth…well, they’re gonna be who they were created to be, always [and forever]. just expect that they will grow into this person as soon as possible. pray for coal to touch their lips. subject yourself to them out of reverence for christ. hope doesn’t come without humility.
increase your expectations, because our God is not small.
i believe only one person knows this, but there was a time when my blog here was actually dedicated to someone. i unintentionally was writing to this person every time i opened up a new post & recorded my thoughts. i’ve realized that this is no longer true, but i’m beginning to think that perhaps that is how i ought to approach the next handful of posts, as a theme, as a focused way of thinking.
in this time of transition and movement, there are times when my words are too slow to leave my mouth. while i believe i’m a ponderer, i also can’t stand the lack of action. so i begin to feel this tension welling up in me…to say, or not to say. and the question of when & where & if my timing is inopportune, or. has it passed?
so i will dedicate the next [undetermined number] posts to the people that i have something to say to. it won’t be obvious; it may not even really be addressed to one specific person. but i hope you, whoever you are, are out there somewhere, listening to my words, if not from my mouth, if not from me, if not now.